My 2018 Summer Body

Boys and girls, as Nichole Scherzinger once said, “don’t hold your breath”

Living in the Mediterranean, it’s completely normal to waltz around topless in short-shorts all day everyday. I lay at the water-park and around me are guys standing six foot, abs of steel and tans darker than Whoopi Goldberg. The girls are in skimpy two-pieces, humongous sunnies and not a stray bikini-hair in sight. Oh, and their ice-cream is dripping down their chest and they’re sipping champagne. Sounds lush, aye? Pan that camera to me. Pale as dick, bags for days and a body that reads “sometimes goes to the gym, but main priority is definitely wine and nuggets”.

Last year I did have an online personal trainer (I basically transferred him £20 a week for him to tell me to eat muffins before the gym and eat a wheelbarrow of potatoes a day). That love affair, Cilla Black Surprise Surprise, came to an abrupt end. Since then, I’ve just been living my life. Gym? No thanks hunteeeeee. Salad? Go rim yourself. I’m now all about the everything in moderation lifestyle – in that, if I fancy a milkshake I’ll have a milkshake. Easy.

I was in work yesterday and my boss had brought in a box of doughnuts. I initially wasn’t interested in them – I was going to the gym an hour later and would be counter-productive. It wasn’t until my desk-neighbour, Debbie we’ll call her, started to pipe up. “Oh God, I need to lose 9 stone by December. That’s when my wedding is, did I tell you I’m getting married? I’m currently 6 stone now, however GOLLY I’ve had a wild weekend. I ate my feyoncé’s load and it’s gone straight to my hips. Yay, weddings!” You know the kind, every office has one. Whenever she goes on a rant like that, I always make a point and do the opposite (I did end up having a doughnut just to spite her). She’s having a sober weekend and going to the gym at 4am? I’m gonna drink wine from the bottle and cartwheel home from the bar, hun.

Back to the point of this post. Whilst I’m enjoying the carefree, everything in moderation, lifestyle I’m living. I’ve also discovered, and trademarked my findings, that your body falls apart after your 24th birthday. My effortless twink days are as over Xtina’s career after she dropped her new album. Fucking wrecked. But, I At least, I have a cracking personality and don’t get white-girl’ed after a sniff of gin. Instead, it only takes a glance at a jaffa-cake and I’ve gained a pound. And, I’m fine with that. Chunky yet funky, yet still getting my vitamin D on the daily.

I’m editing/proofing this after being called away with work, and I can only apologise for my writing style. It is *entitled white girl shrill* ~literally~ whatever enters my brain ends up on the screen. If anyone has any thoughts/suggestions let me know ha!

As always, love to hear from ya.

COGG

XOXO

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